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a fine man

Secrets

Posted by hardlyfatal on 2005.06.21 at 19:02
Just sent it back to you, Megan, with a few corrections (nothing major). Two issues:

1. Colette is seeming a bit Mary-Sue-ish, I'd be careful with all the mad skills and talents you lavish upon her. Best to just mention what she can do when she does it, IMO.

2. Is there a reason this chapter is in 1st person POV when the others (or at least the last one) was in 3rd? It feels a bit odd coming from 3rd person to 1st in the space of a chapter. I strongly recommend you choose one form of POV and stick with it, because having it switch like that really fragments the story :(

Other than that, it was great! The song-singing to hide John's thoughts was funny, and his revelation about how he felt for Elizabeth was sweet. I had a smile on my face for pretty much all of the chapter, so, you've hit a good tone! You did an excellent job picking up little bits that add to his characterization, such as his introspections about flying etc.

Can't wait for more!

Comments:


spacefiend
spacefiend at 2005-06-21 23:39 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!

We've been thinking of these more as episodes, really, than chapters - they're intended to be fairly independent stories. I wanted to switch perspectives to give a little variety.

I'm planning to post it in 2 or 3 parts, to spread things out a little bit more - any ideas for where I should put the breaks?
Piffle, yes, but superior piffle.
hardlyfatal at 2005-06-21 23:57 (UTC) (Link)
It's great to switch perspectives-- I enjoyed getting John's pov, truly. But I'm talking more about the switch in person, because the previous chapter was written in 3rd, but this is in 1st. It's jarring to come off of a 3rd person chapter and have the next be different. Plus, it really emphasizes the difference in tone between what you're writing and what Kristin is. All in all, the transition between chapters feels really harsh.

As for episodes, I like the idea that an entire mini-arc of the story begins and ends within the space of a chapter. To that end, I don't think you should split this one. It's got the beginning (obtaining the bracelet), the middle (what he does to keep from blabbing about it, and the self-defense lessons as well as Teyla's concerns) and the end (his revelation, giving the bracelet) so nicely that splitting it would really ruin the flow and make it seem less episodic, IMO.
spacefiend
spacefiend at 2005-06-22 00:06 (UTC) (Link)
There is going to be at least a couple of weeks of gap between chapters, though, and probably significantly longer between the next couple. So the two chapters aren't necessarily intended to be read close together. Plus, we have seen the switching person done in another series, and it seems to work pretty well there.

I see what you mean. The only reason I wanted to post it in bits was because it's a little on the long side, and since it'll probably be a decent bit after this before Chapter 5 is posted, we wanted to make the time lag be at least a little less.
Piffle, yes, but superior piffle.
hardlyfatal at 2005-06-22 00:17 (UTC) (Link)
I will take your word for the switching person thing, then :)

I get that you want to make it seem like it's not really so long between chapters, but I think in the long run keeping the chapter whole instead of lopping it in the middle will feel the most natural.

But it *is* your story, so do what you see fit! :)
spacefiend
spacefiend at 2005-06-22 00:25 (UTC) (Link)
I think I will go ahead and post it all at once - I agree with you that it flows better.

I'm about to go ahead and send it back to you - this is the joy of me at work instead of at school or moving, cause I actually have time to do this.

Thank you again!
Human Collaborator Flunkie Pool!fic Muse
joyfulfeather at 2005-06-22 00:09 (UTC) (Link)
*waves from the sidelines*

I wondered what you thought of splitting the previous chapter up to post it. There's a hard break almost exactly halfway through that I think would work as a good splitting point. Thoughts?
Piffle, yes, but superior piffle.
hardlyfatal at 2005-06-22 00:19 (UTC) (Link)
If you mean a break here:

She was running by the time she reached the corridor her quarters were on. She didn’t pause until she reached her door. The moment she was in she slammed her hand to the panel to close it and crumpled to the ground, sobbing.

**

Thunk!
Ford looked up at the sound of McKay’s lunch tray hit the table. He eyed the overloaded plate. “Hungry?”
“Starved,” the scientist replied, digging in.
“Did they not feed you in Russia or something?”


I think it would be a perfect place for it.
Human Collaborator Flunkie Pool!fic Muse
joyfulfeather at 2005-06-22 00:22 (UTC) (Link)
That's exactly it. :)
Human Collaborator Flunkie Pool!fic Muse
joyfulfeather at 2005-06-22 17:26 (UTC) (Link)
I posted the first half of it last night, if you're curious. Whee!
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