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a fine man

Mindlocked

Posted by hardlyfatal on 2005.06.20 at 22:04
This chapter was great, flowed smoothly, no mechanical errors at all. Three suggestions:

1. You use "horrified" twice, it's a little redundant.
2. The paragraph about Prince Charming uses "kiss" three times in swift succession, that's redundant, too.
3. When E. is trying to break J. out and he's starting to respond, there's the following sentence:

He moved it slowly across the face as though looking for something.

"The face" is a bit ambiguous, could use a different phrasing.

Apart from that, it's faboo. Good work!

Comments:


Human Collaborator Flunkie Pool!fic Muse
joyfulfeather at 2005-06-21 13:10 (UTC) (Link)
Whoops! I usually try to avoid repeating words like that. I'll go in and make those changes. And then post it! Yay! Thank you. :D
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