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a fine man

Megan's part.

Posted by hardlyfatal on 2004.12.29 at 02:11
Current Music: Los Lobos - Shoot Out the Light
Firstly, I'm sorry I can't keep track of which of you is featherjean and which is spacefiend-- do you mind terribly if I call you Megan and Kristin, since that's how your emails come in?

So, I've sent Megan's bits back. Everything's fine except for some dearly-needed spacing inserted to break up big blocks of text-- holy monster paragraphs, Batman! Heh.

One thing I note is that you consistently tell us things, instead of showing. Examples below are lines that could be elaborated upon to enhance the narrative.

I understand than they can be slightly boring scenes to write, when you have cool/important things you'd rather be getting to, but they greatly add to and round out a story, making it feel more natural and less like we're reading a mere summary of what's happening.

1. After greetings were exchanged and the stranger introduced as Dr. Carson Beckett, Kassin and Ashlin guided the visitors into a meeting room in a nearby building.

2. Quickly he used his gift to look at the two, and nearly fell over at what he saw.

3. Kassin proceeded to explain his preferred shielding method, one well suited to blocking emotions. 

4. Both Atlanteans looked relieved to be able to do something about the bond and seemed slightly more at ease as they and their team made their farewells and returned to Atlantis. 


Hope this helps!

Comments:


spacefiend
spacefiend at 2004-12-29 21:23 (UTC) (Link)
Call us whatever on earth you want! i like your comments and am working through them now. Only one thing - on comment #3, the reason i put it like that is because i don't really know a good way to describe a shielding method, and i think i'd have to make up an actual technique in order to further elaborate on that comment. Either you or Kristin have any ideas about that?
Piffle, yes, but superior piffle.
hardlyfatal at 2004-12-29 21:26 (UTC) (Link)
I think that it only appears "glossed over" because there are so many other incidents of telling instead of showing... if it were the only time you did it, it wouldn't stand out so much, IMO.

So, address all the other times you tell and not show, and it will probably be ok for you to leave #3 as it is :)
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